1 00:00:07,173 --> 00:00:09,050 - Damn it, Terrance. - You rang? 2 00:00:09,134 --> 00:00:12,804 Of course! Did we or did we not decide to paint an accent ceiling? 3 00:00:12,804 --> 00:00:14,806 - Yes. - And did we or did we not decide 4 00:00:14,931 --> 00:00:17,392 to paint it eggshell white, the whitest of whites, 5 00:00:17,392 --> 00:00:19,602 the Kaley Cuoco of whites, the calling the cops, 6 00:00:19,686 --> 00:00:21,438 - on a barbecue of white. - Sounds famil. 7 00:00:21,438 --> 00:00:23,523 Then what is this? 8 00:00:24,899 --> 00:00:26,901 Hot dog, consensually railing a cupcake. 9 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:29,821 Painted it last night, after smoking meth on my English pipe. 10 00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:32,699 It's a red velvet cupcake, so, you know it's classy! 11 00:00:32,699 --> 00:00:34,743 You broke my Piper Perabo. 12 00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:36,327 Ha! Missed me, sucka! 13 00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:38,788 Choke on some of this lattice red paint. 14 00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:40,874 - Yeah! - Stop it, all of you! 15 00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,667 We're supposed to do this as a family, 16 00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:44,669 like playing golf, or when we got the portrait 17 00:00:44,753 --> 00:00:47,630 where we were in black turtlenecks like Death Row Records. 18 00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:50,091 - Hi, Terry. - Oh, hell's no. Pupa can't join. 19 00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:53,136 He gets paint over himself. We don't know what color he is. 20 00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:55,096 Remember when we thought he was purple 21 00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:57,390 and had to sacrifice the virgin Esports kid? 22 00:00:57,474 --> 00:01:00,727 Jamie died a virgin, but at least he wasn't buried as one. 23 00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:02,729 What's done is done. As leader, 24 00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:06,149 and unquestioned star of the show, I decree we paint the ceiling white. 25 00:01:06,149 --> 00:01:07,817 I don't decree that bullshite. 26 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:09,277 - Do you guys? - No. 27 00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:10,862 Kree from Captain Marvel! 28 00:01:10,987 --> 00:01:14,240 I've heard all your arguments and decided a course of action. 29 00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:16,659 What are you gonna do with that Gargoyle Ray? 30 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:19,829 Nothing. Just going to freeze you guys so I can finally do what I want. 31 00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:25,668 Now, Phil, Dr. Sarner said this was the best dialysis machine. 32 00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:29,923 Oh, damn it! I'm so sick of those gargoyle-making aliens. 33 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,174 Look what they've done. 34 00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:34,385 Our couch, gargoyle, our TV, gargoyle, our dog, gargoyle, 35 00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:37,514 fucking Mr. Peaches is a symbolic Gothic demon, Phil! 36 00:01:37,514 --> 00:01:41,017 Those dick-faced alien kids run around all day with no supervision, 37 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,102 well, I am done. 38 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,646 I'm calling the city before they turn you into... 39 00:01:45,146 --> 00:01:46,314 Son of a bitch! 40 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:51,569 KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia until the asteroid hit. 41 00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:54,364 One hundred adults and their replicants 42 00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:56,783 were issued a Pupa and escaped into the space, 43 00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:59,452 searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds. 44 00:01:59,577 --> 00:02:02,747 We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet. 45 00:02:02,831 --> 00:02:04,791 That's right. I've been talking this whole time. 46 00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,459 I'm holding Pupa. My name's Korvo. 47 00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:08,503 This is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. 48 00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:10,463 Do you see me? This is ridiculous. 49 00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:13,675 I hate Earth. It's a horrible home. People are stupid. 50 00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:15,718 I can't believe humans haven't solved pi yet. 51 00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:19,097 I almost want to tell you the answer because it's embarrassing for you. 52 00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:20,181 Okay, it's four. 53 00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:28,857 Ugh. Our water bill is crazy this month. 54 00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:30,775 Why do you guys take such long showers? 55 00:02:30,859 --> 00:02:34,779 Are you touching your mounds again. Stop touching it or it's gonna fall off. 56 00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:36,698 This sucks. That hot dog was art. 57 00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:38,324 No, Terry, Ready Player Three is art. 58 00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:40,326 Stop whining and hand me another can of paint. 59 00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:43,037 Oh, you want this one? Just grab it. Go ahead. 60 00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:44,789 - Don't make me come down! - Get it. 61 00:02:44,873 --> 00:02:46,082 - Damn it! - You look canned. 62 00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,625 - You give me that. - Suck a big dick! 63 00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:49,294 Everyone, freeze! 64 00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:50,795 Child Protective Services! 65 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:54,132 We got a tip that children were being turned into gargoyles here. 66 00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:57,760 FEMALE AGENT: Uh, Jim, which one are the kids? 67 00:02:57,886 --> 00:02:59,637 Well, shit. They're drinking herbal tea 68 00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:02,223 and clearly paying household bills, but they're taller. 69 00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:04,392 Plus, this one feels like she has an old soul. 70 00:03:04,392 --> 00:03:08,521 - Huh? Eh? - She says, you have an old soul. 71 00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:11,191 Only one way to find out who's a kid and who's not. 72 00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:14,444 Okay, we gave you IQ tests and you two scored the lowest. 73 00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:15,820 So, you must be the kids. 74 00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:18,907 Bullshit, the tests are biased against plant-based life forms. 75 00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:20,950 I don't test well. I have Attention Deficit.. 76 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:24,204 Oh, I love your jacket. Where did you get that? That's hot. 77 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,288 This is for the best. 78 00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:28,124 The accent ceiling is a white symbol for how you don't get me.. 79 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:31,002 I need to be with people who are going in that sweet van? 80 00:03:31,002 --> 00:03:33,421 - Shotgun! - Fuck you, Terry. 81 00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:35,465 Hey! Stop it! 82 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:39,219 Ow, ow, ow, ow! I said. 83 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,054 - What'll happen to them? - If they're lucky, 84 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,389 they'll be lost in the system, end up on the streets, 85 00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:45,642 sucking and fucking their way to a dollar and a cent. 86 00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:48,811 Oh, man, that sounds like Terry. He's going to thrive. 87 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,605 - What can we do? - Forget about those kids. 88 00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:53,107 Go on with your life, buy a Jimmy John's franchise 89 00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:54,943 or a Jersey Mike's maybe a Blimpie. 90 00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:56,903 Anything in the fast, casual sandwich space. 91 00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:58,863 That's my side hustle. Let me know. 92 00:04:01,157 --> 00:04:03,243 You think Terry and Korvo are going to be okay? 93 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,578 I really hope so. I like them. 94 00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:09,040 Today is going to be one of those weird Solar Opposites days, right? 95 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,626 You betcha. Probably best to just roll with it. 96 00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:14,295 Last one to the school bus is a deviled egg! 97 00:04:23,137 --> 00:04:27,392 JIM: Welcome to CPS HQ. To save money, we share space with a Wingstop. 98 00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:30,270 You're lucky, the cops have to share with the Jiffy Lube. 99 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,437 - Motherfucker! - Freeze! 100 00:04:33,439 --> 00:04:36,234 Wingstop for the win! 101 00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,653 I'm mad at you, but for once, you're spot on. 102 00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:40,697 These mango habanero ones are the T-I-Ts. 103 00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,865 Bet they would taste great with some Terry sauce? 104 00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:43,992 Hell, yes. Gimme. 105 00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:47,370 That's too bad. You can't have any because you ruined my painting! 106 00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:49,539 JIM: See what that kid just did? 107 00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:52,792 I think we might finally have one for Project Dark Brilliance. 108 00:04:53,751 --> 00:04:56,087 My little pony, Omega Code Three. 109 00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:58,756 Franklin. get them ready for transport. 110 00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:05,555 - Oh, no. - What in the fuck 111 00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:07,890 are you two cock nobbers doing in the hallway? 112 00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:09,017 Ow! 113 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,686 Wait, I thought the Stacys weren't bullying us anymore. 114 00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:14,772 'Cause our bullies union was in negotiation with the teachers union. 115 00:05:14,856 --> 00:05:16,107 But we struck a deal that says 116 00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:18,359 we can smoke cigarettes and bully kids on Wednesday. 117 00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:20,403 Jeepers, it's Hump Day. 118 00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:23,698 You've got to admire them. By outsourcing their bullying, 119 00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:25,241 they keep their hands clean. 120 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,869 It's called plausible deniability, bitches. 121 00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:29,454 I learned it from my dad. 122 00:05:29,579 --> 00:05:32,498 Principal Cooke, can you please tell the Stacys to stop this? 123 00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:34,667 I can't be talking to any students today. 124 00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,544 I am not in a good place. Oh! 125 00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:39,255 Why? Why does the world hate me? 126 00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,799 Geez Louise, we've got to get our life together 127 00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:44,510 or we're going to end up just like that sad bastard. 128 00:05:44,635 --> 00:05:47,055 The only way we'll beat the Stacys of the world 129 00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:50,141 - is by understanding how they think. - We could use a psyche ray 130 00:05:50,141 --> 00:05:51,726 to get inside their heads. 131 00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:54,020 I smell what you're dealing, and I like it. 132 00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:57,315 Okay, now, boy alien tell girl alien how gross her ankles are. 133 00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:59,233 They look like mushy green straws. 134 00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:05,907 See, Kevin, that's how you land like a boss. 135 00:06:05,907 --> 00:06:07,825 Go cry to your whore mother. 136 00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:10,244 Where's Terry? Is he dead? Is he in Kentucky? 137 00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:13,164 Terry is special, and he went to a school for special kids. 138 00:06:13,289 --> 00:06:15,917 But I thought we can't call 'em "special" because of Antifa. 139 00:06:15,917 --> 00:06:17,043 What about me? 140 00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:19,212 We found you a home with a very nice couple. 141 00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:21,339 I'll be their only child, center of attention, 142 00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:23,549 the apple of their eye, the star of their spinoff? 143 00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:25,301 Sure, he's a CPA, woo! 144 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,804 And she's in charge of writing instructions 145 00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:29,555 for all Best Buy branded... 146 00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:32,517 Shut up! You had me at "Best Buy branded refrige." 147 00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:48,866 Dr. Weatherstone, how are the new recruits looking? 148 00:06:48,950 --> 00:06:50,076 Too early to tell, sir. 149 00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:53,037 Subject Delta Two looks to be able to summon fire from his penis. 150 00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:55,498 Gamma Four can move a pineapple with her brain. 151 00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:58,000 And Beta Five does a mean Robert De Niro impression. 152 00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:00,711 "I have nipples. Can you milk me, Greg?" 153 00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:04,090 That's an easy impression, like Kermit. Throw her in the kiln. 154 00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:06,426 But it's Vega Six that's got real potential. 155 00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:08,094 His numbers are off the charts. 156 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,721 - Check this out. - New York, Atlanta, O.C., Dallas, 157 00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:13,850 D.C., Bev Hills, Miami, S.L.C., D.C., D.C., 158 00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:16,310 O.C., O.C., N.Y.C., Bev Hills, Miami, S.L.C. 159 00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:18,104 He got all The Real Housewives. 160 00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:21,232 No kid has ever been able to do a perfect RHO sequence. 161 00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:22,358 He's the one. 162 00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,444 He's special, but he's also an innocent. 163 00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:27,488 You can see it in his eyes. I'm worried he won't make it. 164 00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:30,074 Let me make this clear, Dr. Weatherstone, 165 00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:33,661 I don't care that you're the most attentive lover I've ever had. 166 00:07:33,786 --> 00:07:36,622 I make the rules around here. Prep him for surgery. 167 00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:40,168 Some crazy evil shit is about to go down. 168 00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:44,755 This is wrong. Someone has to do something and soon, 169 00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:46,132 or we're all... 170 00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:48,509 Ooh, lunch time. Taco salad, come to Mama. 171 00:07:50,761 --> 00:07:51,929 Listen up. 172 00:07:52,054 --> 00:07:53,764 I am Officer Clark. 173 00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:56,559 This is my partner, Officer McGuard. 174 00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:59,312 We both served two tours in Afghanistan. 175 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:00,980 I'm only gonna say this once. 176 00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:05,443 We are so fucking happy for you guys. 177 00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:09,197 You're all going to loving homes and families. 178 00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:12,867 Oh, and these aren't shotguns. They're candy cannons. 179 00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:16,204 Boom! Boom! Sweet carts for everyone. 180 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:25,796 TOUR GUIDE: The tunnel scenes for Daylight were filmed here. 181 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:27,131 Due to tax rebates 182 00:08:27,298 --> 00:08:29,884 and the fact that Sly Stallone got chlamydia from visiting 183 00:08:29,884 --> 00:08:33,095 a New York bathhouse that he's still frequents to this day. 184 00:08:37,475 --> 00:08:40,436 My new family will allow me to paint an accent ceiling, 185 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:41,979 the color of my choosing. 186 00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:44,190 My new family said I could only stay in a chair. 187 00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:45,816 Sucks for you, Belinda. 188 00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:52,156 I was wrong. It sucks for all of us! 189 00:09:01,290 --> 00:09:04,126 - Is this part of the tour? - Great question. Actually, no. 190 00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:06,420 It's just one of those horrible coincidences, 191 00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:08,923 like when the people on - the Fast and Furious 3 - D ride 192 00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:10,508 all had sex with Tyrese. 193 00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:12,093 But I am part of the tour. 194 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:15,096 - Holy shit, it's fucking Sly. - It's me Sly Stallone. 195 00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:17,723 Sometimes, I get bored of the charity work I do. 196 00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:20,768 I like to ride the bus undercover and see how people react. 197 00:09:21,477 --> 00:09:23,437 Come on, let's get you out of here. 198 00:09:26,023 --> 00:09:27,900 Don't fucking touch me, Sylvester Stallone. 199 00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:28,985 Don't you know who I am? 200 00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:31,696 I'm Korvo. I do the hero shit around here. 201 00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:46,752 Okay. I'm going to go in and make sure Stacy K. is alone. 202 00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:50,006 Then I'll give you the signal. Wait for it. 203 00:09:50,131 --> 00:09:51,215 What's the signal? 204 00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:53,926 I don't know, I'm making this shit up as I go along. 205 00:09:57,513 --> 00:10:00,349 Principal Cooke, uh, what are you doing? 206 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:03,769 Only this place has a strong enough power outlet for my hotplate. 207 00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,146 Please don't tell on me. 208 00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:08,733 If I get caught cooking beans and eggs on school grounds, I'll lose my job. 209 00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:10,318 This is all I have. 210 00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:11,861 - Die, motherfucker! - No, wait! 211 00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:20,119 This day just took a turn. 212 00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:21,996 But I guess this is exactly what I thought 213 00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:24,123 a boring principal's brain would look like. 214 00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:26,542 Ugh. Even basic thinks this is basic. 215 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:27,960 How do we get out of here? 216 00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,504 Good thing I read the Psyche Ray manual, 217 00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:31,839 so I know what to do. 218 00:10:31,839 --> 00:10:33,007 Yeah, I read it, too. 219 00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:36,218 But explain the rules to me as if I was someone who binge-watches 220 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,386 premium streaming TV. 221 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:40,348 Yay, you. All we have to do is find Cooke's inner child 222 00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:41,641 and he will lead us out. 223 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,059 Seems simple enough. 224 00:10:43,225 --> 00:10:47,104 JESSE: Oh, geez. Turns out Principal Cooke is hella deep. 225 00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:52,318 Son, I wish your mom had miscarried you 226 00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:55,738 when she got kicked in the stomach by that Budweiser Clydesdale. 227 00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:58,574 Wow, I just thought Principal Cooke was a big bag of sad 228 00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,076 'cause he had to work with kids. 229 00:11:00,076 --> 00:11:02,203 But he clearly had daddy issues. 230 00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:03,996 Surprised he's not working a pole. 231 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:07,083 I don't know, his dad seems rad. Is that the inner child? 232 00:11:13,714 --> 00:11:15,966 I don't think so. Check out that fudgesicle. 233 00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:18,177 Cooke went crazy when it spilled before. 234 00:11:18,302 --> 00:11:21,514 This must be Cooke's temper monster. It's fuelled by all his anger. 235 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:24,517 If he catches us, we'll never get out! 236 00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:35,611 Hey, Dr. W. 237 00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:38,739 Has anyone ever told you you look like that girl from the movies? 238 00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:39,949 - Amy Adams? - No. 239 00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:41,409 - Rachel McAdams. - No. 240 00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:42,535 - Elizabeth Banks. - Nah. 241 00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:43,661 - Emma Stone. - No. 242 00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:44,870 - It's Kathy Bates. - What? 243 00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:47,581 Forget it. I've decided to break you out, to save you. 244 00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:49,125 But I love it. I got my switch, 245 00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:51,377 and they let me paint accent ceiling any color. 246 00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:53,587 Wow. That's fucking classy. 247 00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:56,215 But look, Terry, you're too special for this place. 248 00:11:56,340 --> 00:11:59,719 Trust me. They are going to do terrible stuff to you if you stay here. 249 00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:00,803 Butt stuff. 250 00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:03,097 - But I don't have a butt. - That's even worse. 251 00:12:03,097 --> 00:12:04,432 Come on. 252 00:12:07,643 --> 00:12:10,312 MAN: The tunnel is closed due to a cinematic crash. 253 00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:13,023 There seems to be some Daylight situation going on. 254 00:12:13,107 --> 00:12:14,984 Damn it, the tunnel was our way out. 255 00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:16,986 I don't understand what's happening now! 256 00:12:21,782 --> 00:12:24,535 Okay, I've got places to be in, families to join. 257 00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:27,121 This is big boy time. You and I are the alpha dogs. 258 00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:30,249 The main men, the stinkiest poops. What's our plan to save the day? 259 00:12:30,374 --> 00:12:33,169 Listen, little blue boy, go back with the other orphans 260 00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:36,255 and let an 11-time Golden Raspberry Award winning actor 261 00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:38,924 - take care of this. - Not good enough, demolition man. 262 00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:41,802 - I need the deets. - I promise I will get all of you 263 00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:44,096 out of here alive. It's not going to be easy. 264 00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:45,264 Some of you will die. 265 00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:46,682 If we can swim through the water 266 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,851 without getting eaten by the tunnel alligators, 267 00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:51,812 than as God is my witness, I will save all of your lives. 268 00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:53,898 Except most of you who will probably die. 269 00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:56,150 That sounds super fucking lame. 270 00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:59,403 First, tunnel alligators don't exist. Only rats that cook French food. 271 00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:01,405 Everyone, come with me because I'm an alien. 272 00:13:01,489 --> 00:13:04,867 I'm leader. And I know leader shit, like, um, heat signatures. 273 00:13:04,867 --> 00:13:07,453 That's pretty cool. Who's impressed? I know that guy is. 274 00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:09,455 We'll go with you. 275 00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:10,539 Good luck, suckers. 276 00:13:10,664 --> 00:13:12,875 Hope you're not expendable. Get it? 277 00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:21,884 Told you this would be cooler than whatever Rocky IV is doing. 278 00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:25,513 You sure this is safe? 279 00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:27,056 Yeah, man, don't be such a... 280 00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:29,850 Holy fuck! Alligators. I knew it. I'll save you. 281 00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:32,978 You guys got this, right? 282 00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:35,689 No, we don't have it. Come back! 283 00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:44,281 I think we're lost. None of this was in the manual. 284 00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:45,699 Wait, I know what this is. 285 00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,159 It's Super Mario 64, right? 286 00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:48,786 I don't know boomer shit like that. 287 00:13:48,786 --> 00:13:51,622 If you want to get out, we've to jump into the paintings. 288 00:13:51,622 --> 00:13:53,833 - You sure? - I've never been more sure of anything 289 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,125 in my entire life. 290 00:13:56,210 --> 00:13:58,921 Stop trying to play the trumpet, you're going to be a principal. 291 00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:00,673 That's why I named you Principal. 292 00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:03,384 Oh, my God. Principal Cooke's name is Principal 293 00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:05,302 Principal Cooke. 294 00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:10,015 I told you to stop playing. 295 00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:13,686 You'll never be as good as Trumpet, your brother, and he's dead. 296 00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:22,403 Keep trying, you piece of shit! Keep trying. 297 00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:23,946 You've killed everybody else. 298 00:14:23,946 --> 00:14:26,198 You know what? You haven't killed me. 299 00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:28,200 Mr. Stallone, who're you talking to? 300 00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:30,411 I actually don't know who I was talking to. 301 00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:33,414 It's from my best movie. 1996's Daylight. 302 00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:34,623 Have you heard of it? 303 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,919 Uh, maybe you were yelling at the tunnel itself 304 00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:41,755 because it's kind of the bad guy character in the movie. 305 00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:45,259 Exactly, like how Paris is a character in London Has Fallen. 306 00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,178 What are you doing back here? 307 00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:50,347 I saved those guys and came back to save you 308 00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:52,349 because I'm sure Stallone cocked it all up. 309 00:14:54,768 --> 00:14:55,853 Ah. Fuck! 310 00:14:57,146 --> 00:14:58,689 Hold on. I'll save you. 311 00:14:58,689 --> 00:14:59,982 Hold on. I'm saving you. 312 00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:01,400 It's literally impossible. 313 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:02,651 You're literally impossible. 314 00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:07,197 Sly, no! 315 00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:10,367 You guys saw that? I tried to save him. There was nothing I could do. 316 00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:12,578 - I'm the leader now. Let's go. - Look! 317 00:15:14,788 --> 00:15:17,249 That asshole ran off and left me to die. 318 00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:19,084 Not true. Nope, I went to get help. 319 00:15:20,336 --> 00:15:21,503 We have to get out now. 320 00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:23,422 - We don't have time! - We do have time 321 00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:25,424 for me to make a dramatic speech. 322 00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:29,428 When we first met, we were a bunch of beautiful strangers 323 00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:31,889 thrown together in an impossible situation. 324 00:15:32,056 --> 00:15:35,643 But now, we are tunnel brothers and sisters. 325 00:15:36,518 --> 00:15:38,771 Some of us may have sex with... 326 00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:40,356 That's what I'm talking about! 327 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:09,343 - Where are we, Kathy Bates? - No idea. 328 00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:10,552 Let's get back on the road 329 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:12,471 and make contact with the Genius Initiative. 330 00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:15,265 They're a secret group that protects specials like you. 331 00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:18,060 I've thrown away everything I worked for, for you. 332 00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:20,604 I'll be with you. I can't have my own children 333 00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:23,273 'cause I was kicked in the stomach by Budweiser Clydesdale. 334 00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:24,692 I'm going to be your mommy. 335 00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:26,819 God, I've waited all my life to say that. 336 00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:29,863 Whatevs. Let's eat. I got a hankering for a Salisbury steak. 337 00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:31,156 Or maybe some sand dabs. 338 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,492 Definitely in need of a large glass of Scotch. 339 00:16:33,492 --> 00:16:34,994 Wait, what Scotch, sand dabs? 340 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,537 No kid would ever eat that. 341 00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:38,205 BevMo card, Kleenex, 342 00:16:38,205 --> 00:16:42,084 tickets to Counting Crows concert, a fucking digital camera? 343 00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:45,212 - You're not a special kid. - I never said I was a kid. 344 00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:47,089 Holy shit! What have I done? 345 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,218 What about my Nintendo? 346 00:16:51,218 --> 00:16:53,637 Switchie! 347 00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:57,933 Principal Cooke has seen some darkness. 348 00:16:58,058 --> 00:17:00,227 - Now I kind of like him. - Me, too. 349 00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:02,730 All he ever wanted to do was play the trumpet, 350 00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,940 but his dad was a big fat piece of shit. 351 00:17:05,941 --> 00:17:07,526 Maybe we were meant to be here. 352 00:17:07,651 --> 00:17:10,696 Maybe today is about seeing people through their eyes 353 00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:12,406 and not how we perceive them. 354 00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:15,117 Maybe if we help Principal Cooke, we'll get out alive 355 00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:19,496 and with a better understanding of how a life not lived can crush a man's soul. 356 00:17:19,621 --> 00:17:23,208 That is way too bleak for me. This isn't BoJack Horseman. 357 00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:25,294 We're running out of time. 358 00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:27,713 This is it. Cooke's playroom when he was a kid! 359 00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:30,215 Look, "PPC," Principal Principal Cooke. 360 00:17:36,096 --> 00:17:37,264 Here's the inner child. 361 00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:41,268 What the teats? 362 00:17:41,268 --> 00:17:44,188 It's an American boy doll they released in the '70s. 363 00:17:44,188 --> 00:17:46,482 DOLL: I'll find a wife to cook and clean 364 00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:48,275 while I'm screwing my Brazilian secretary. 365 00:17:56,533 --> 00:17:58,118 PRINCIPAL COOKE: Did I burn down 366 00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:01,413 the girls bathroom making beef stew on my hotplate? Yes, yes, I did. 367 00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:05,876 The question we should really be asking is was the beef stew good? 368 00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:07,419 No. No, it was not. 369 00:18:07,711 --> 00:18:10,089 You were told not to cook at school anymore. 370 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:13,175 I don't care if beef stew is my third favorite stew. 371 00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:15,469 I have no choice but to fire... 372 00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,518 This is Cooke's room. These are Cooke's toys, right? 373 00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:24,686 If the Temper Monster can control them, 374 00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,897 then maybe he is actually the inner child. 375 00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:29,650 Yes, Cooke must have so much residual anger and regret 376 00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:31,693 that his child turned into the monster. 377 00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:33,695 Of course, the answer is jazz. 378 00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:36,365 God damn it, why is the answer always fucking jazz? 379 00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:37,866 Okay, but... 380 00:18:37,991 --> 00:18:39,576 Remember what you wanted to be? 381 00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:42,663 It's not too late. You could still be like Trumpet, you know? 382 00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:46,166 Quick, what do you know about jazz? 383 00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:47,334 You watched all of Treme. 384 00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:49,211 That's just because I love Steve Zahn. 385 00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:52,381 But you just make a lot of noises and that counts as jazz. 386 00:18:56,677 --> 00:18:58,262 This feels really disrespectful 387 00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:00,430 and borders on cultural misappropriation. 388 00:19:00,514 --> 00:19:02,015 In this one case, it's okay. 389 00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:15,362 - It's working. - We're getting out of here. 390 00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:18,740 Trumpet. 391 00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:20,367 I miss my dead brother. 392 00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:22,119 It should have been me that died, 393 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:24,538 in that vat of cookie dough at Mrs. Fields. 394 00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:25,914 Cooke, what's wrong with you? 395 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:29,751 I'm sorry. The only way I could describe it is through jazz. 396 00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:42,431 Get it? 397 00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:48,645 We get it now. 398 00:19:49,146 --> 00:19:50,772 Jazz made us totally get it. 399 00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:53,609 Our work here is done. 400 00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:56,153 STACY: What the fuck are you doing in our hallway? 401 00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:57,738 To the bleachers, now! 402 00:19:57,738 --> 00:20:00,240 Son of a bitch, it's still Wednesday, I guess. 403 00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:10,417 Click. 404 00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:18,508 Hey. Whoa. 405 00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:20,552 Sorry, I roundhouse kicked you in the head. 406 00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:22,554 I'd to do what a leader does. 407 00:20:22,638 --> 00:20:25,432 It's moments like this, moments of crisis, 408 00:20:25,432 --> 00:20:28,060 when you find out who you are and where you belong. 409 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,896 Wow, Sylvester Stallone, I never thought of it that way. 410 00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:33,857 I learned that from Dolly Parton on the set of Rhinestone, 411 00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:36,693 when the grip was choking on an egg roll, I froze up. 412 00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:39,363 But Dolly didn't. She saved that fat man's life. 413 00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:41,990 That was the moment I realized she was the star 414 00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:45,369 and I was not going to get a look at those massive hooters. 415 00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:48,121 Anyway, I'm out. You need a ride somewhere? 416 00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:49,498 Yes, I do. 417 00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:50,958 I need to go home to my family. 418 00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,209 That's where I belong. 419 00:20:52,209 --> 00:20:54,878 Holy shit. Is that the truck from Over the Top? 420 00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:57,130 Yep. I keep everything from my films. 421 00:20:57,214 --> 00:21:00,092 I got the plans for my escape from Escape Plan in the cab. 422 00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:01,760 - You want to see 'em? - Fucking yes. 423 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:03,720 Hey, will you autograph my neck? 424 00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:05,389 What a day. 425 00:21:05,389 --> 00:21:07,349 - Wanna know what I learned? - No one asked. 426 00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:10,602 Every story can't be through your eyes. You can't always be the star. 427 00:21:10,686 --> 00:21:12,813 Sometimes, you've to be the funny talking foreigner 428 00:21:12,813 --> 00:21:14,940 like Rob Schneider in every movie for a second. 429 00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:17,401 What about Deuce Bigalow? He was the lead in that one. 430 00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:18,944 And The Animal and The Hot Chick. 431 00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:20,737 Schneider had lot of swings at the plate. 432 00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:22,114 KORVO: He's got star quality. 433 00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:24,283 I've been the lead in this family for too long. 434 00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,952 It's time for someone else. Terry, this is very hard for me. 435 00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:29,204 We can paint the ceiling whatever you want. 436 00:21:29,329 --> 00:21:30,414 What's an accent ceiling? 437 00:21:30,414 --> 00:21:33,208 Korvo, Yum and I kind of learned the same thing as you... 438 00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:35,627 I love it when a theme comes together. 439 00:21:35,752 --> 00:21:37,671 Pupa! What did I tell you about the paint? 440 00:21:37,671 --> 00:21:39,589 - It's a total mess. - Have you been sitting 441 00:21:39,673 --> 00:21:42,009 around here all day, getting dirty, you little shit? 442 00:21:42,009 --> 00:21:44,761 Why are you such a lazy sack of shit, Pupa? Answer me! 443 00:21:50,392 --> 00:21:52,728 Trumpet, I know, I haven't tooted you in ages. 444 00:21:52,728 --> 00:21:54,688 All my life, I thought I was the one 445 00:21:54,813 --> 00:21:56,857 that should have died in that Mrs. Fields, 446 00:21:56,982 --> 00:22:00,277 but now I realized, no, you were supposed to die. 447 00:22:00,277 --> 00:22:05,240 And I was supposed to live, so I could give the world this. 448 00:22:07,868 --> 00:22:08,952 Shit! 449 00:22:10,495 --> 00:22:11,580 Fuck!