- Damn it, Terrance. - You rang?
Of course! Did we or did we not decide to paint an accent ceiling?
- Yes. - And did we or did we not decide
to paint it eggshell white, the whitest of whites,
the Kaley Cuoco of whites, the calling the cops,
- on a barbecue of white. - Sounds famil.
Then what is this?
Hot dog, consensually railing a cupcake.
Painted it last night, after smoking meth on my English pipe.
It's a red velvet cupcake, so, you know it's classy!
You broke my Piper Perabo.
Ha! Missed me, sucka!
Choke on some of this lattice red paint.
- Yeah! - Stop it, all of you!
We're supposed to do this as a family,
like playing golf, or when we got the portrait
where we were in black turtlenecks like Death Row Records.
- Hi, Terry. - Oh, hell's no. Pupa can't join.
He gets paint over himself. We don't know what color he is.
Remember when we thought he was purple
and had to sacrifice the virgin Esports kid?
Jamie died a virgin, but at least he wasn't buried as one.
What's done is done. As leader,
and unquestioned star of the show, I decree we paint the ceiling white.
I don't decree that bullshite.
- Do you guys? - No.
Kree from Captain Marvel!
I've heard all your arguments and decided a course of action.
What are you gonna do with that Gargoyle Ray?
Nothing. Just going to freeze you guys so I can finally do what I want.
Now, Phil, Dr. Sarner said this was the best dialysis machine.
Oh, damn it! I'm so sick of those gargoyle-making aliens.
Look what they've done.
Our couch, gargoyle, our TV, gargoyle, our dog, gargoyle,
fucking Mr. Peaches is a symbolic Gothic demon, Phil!
Those dick-faced alien kids run around all day with no supervision,
well, I am done.
I'm calling the city before they turn you into...
Son of a bitch!
KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa and escaped into the space,
searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right. I've been talking this whole time.
I'm holding Pupa. My name's Korvo.
This is my show. I just dropped the Pupa.
Do you see me? This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home. People are stupid.
I can't believe humans haven't solved pi yet.
I almost want to tell you the answer because it's embarrassing for you.
Okay, it's four.
Ugh. Our water bill is crazy this month.
Why do you guys take such long showers?
Are you touching your mounds again. Stop touching it or it's gonna fall off.
This sucks. That hot dog was art.
No, Terry, Ready Player Three is art.
Stop whining and hand me another can of paint.
Oh, you want this one? Just grab it. Go ahead.
- Don't make me come down! - Get it.
- Damn it! - You look canned.
- You give me that. - Suck a big dick!
Everyone, freeze!
Child Protective Services!
We got a tip that children were being turned into gargoyles here.
FEMALE AGENT: Uh, Jim, which one are the kids?
Well, shit. They're drinking herbal tea
and clearly paying household bills, but they're taller.
Plus, this one feels like she has an old soul.
- Huh? Eh? - She says, you have an old soul.
Only one way to find out who's a kid and who's not.
Okay, we gave you IQ tests and you two scored the lowest.
So, you must be the kids.
Bullshit, the tests are biased against plant-based life forms.
I don't test well. I have Attention Deficit..
Oh, I love your jacket. Where did you get that? That's hot.
This is for the best.
The accent ceiling is a white symbol for how you don't get me..
I need to be with people who are going in that sweet van?
- Shotgun! - Fuck you, Terry.
Hey! Stop it!
Ow, ow, ow, ow! I said.
- What'll happen to them? - If they're lucky,
they'll be lost in the system, end up on the streets,
sucking and fucking their way to a dollar and a cent.
Oh, man, that sounds like Terry. He's going to thrive.
- What can we do? - Forget about those kids.
Go on with your life, buy a Jimmy John's franchise
or a Jersey Mike's maybe a Blimpie.
Anything in the fast, casual sandwich space.
That's my side hustle. Let me know.
You think Terry and Korvo are going to be okay?
I really hope so. I like them.
Today is going to be one of those weird Solar Opposites days, right?
You betcha. Probably best to just roll with it.
Last one to the school bus is a deviled egg!
JIM: Welcome to CPS HQ. To save money, we share space with a Wingstop.
You're lucky, the cops have to share with the Jiffy Lube.
- Motherfucker! - Freeze!
Wingstop for the win!
I'm mad at you, but for once, you're spot on.
These mango habanero ones are the T-I-Ts.
Bet they would taste great with some Terry sauce?
Hell, yes. Gimme.
That's too bad. You can't have any because you ruined my painting!
JIM: See what that kid just did?
I think we might finally have one for Project Dark Brilliance.
My little pony, Omega Code Three.
Franklin. get them ready for transport.
- Oh, no. - What in the fuck
are you two cock nobbers doing in the hallway?
Ow!
Wait, I thought the Stacys weren't bullying us anymore.
'Cause our bullies union was in negotiation with the teachers union.
But we struck a deal that says
we can smoke cigarettes and bully kids on Wednesday.
Jeepers, it's Hump Day.
You've got to admire them. By outsourcing their bullying,
they keep their hands clean.
It's called plausible deniability, bitches.
I learned it from my dad.
Principal Cooke, can you please tell the Stacys to stop this?
I can't be talking to any students today.
I am not in a good place. Oh!
Why? Why does the world hate me?
Geez Louise, we've got to get our life together
or we're going to end up just like that sad bastard.
The only way we'll beat the Stacys of the world
- is by understanding how they think. - We could use a psyche ray
to get inside their heads.
I smell what you're dealing, and I like it.
Okay, now, boy alien tell girl alien how gross her ankles are.
They look like mushy green straws.
See, Kevin, that's how you land like a boss.
Go cry to your whore mother.
Where's Terry? Is he dead? Is he in Kentucky?
Terry is special, and he went to a school for special kids.
But I thought we can't call 'em "special" because of Antifa.
What about me?
We found you a home with a very nice couple.
I'll be their only child, center of attention,
the apple of their eye, the star of their spinoff?
Sure, he's a CPA, woo!
And she's in charge of writing instructions
for all Best Buy branded...
Shut up! You had me at "Best Buy branded refrige."
Dr. Weatherstone, how are the new recruits looking?
Too early to tell, sir.
Subject Delta Two looks to be able to summon fire from his penis.
Gamma Four can move a pineapple with her brain.
And Beta Five does a mean Robert De Niro impression.
"I have nipples. Can you milk me, Greg?"
That's an easy impression, like Kermit. Throw her in the kiln.
But it's Vega Six that's got real potential.
His numbers are off the charts.
- Check this out. - New York, Atlanta, O.C., Dallas,
D.C., Bev Hills, Miami, S.L.C., D.C., D.C.,
O.C., O.C., N.Y.C., Bev Hills, Miami, S.L.C.
He got all The Real Housewives.
No kid has ever been able to do a perfect RHO sequence.
He's the one.
He's special, but he's also an innocent.
You can see it in his eyes. I'm worried he won't make it.
Let me make this clear, Dr. Weatherstone,
I don't care that you're the most attentive lover I've ever had.
I make the rules around here. Prep him for surgery.
Some crazy evil shit is about to go down.
This is wrong. Someone has to do something and soon,
or we're all...
Ooh, lunch time. Taco salad, come to Mama.
Listen up.
I am Officer Clark.
This is my partner, Officer McGuard.
We both served two tours in Afghanistan.
I'm only gonna say this once.
We are so fucking happy for you guys.
You're all going to loving homes and families.
Oh, and these aren't shotguns. They're candy cannons.
Boom! Boom! Sweet carts for everyone.
TOUR GUIDE: The tunnel scenes for Daylight were filmed here.
Due to tax rebates
and the fact that Sly Stallone got chlamydia from visiting
a New York bathhouse that he's still frequents to this day.
My new family will allow me to paint an accent ceiling,
the color of my choosing.
My new family said I could only stay in a chair.
Sucks for you, Belinda.
I was wrong. It sucks for all of us!
- Is this part of the tour? - Great question. Actually, no.
It's just one of those horrible coincidences,
like when the people on - the Fast and Furious 3 - D ride
all had sex with Tyrese.
But I am part of the tour.
- Holy shit, it's fucking Sly. - It's me Sly Stallone.
Sometimes, I get bored of the charity work I do.
I like to ride the bus undercover and see how people react.
Come on, let's get you out of here.
Don't fucking touch me, Sylvester Stallone.
Don't you know who I am?
I'm Korvo. I do the hero shit around here.
Okay. I'm going to go in and make sure Stacy K. is alone.
Then I'll give you the signal. Wait for it.
What's the signal?
I don't know, I'm making this shit up as I go along.
Principal Cooke, uh, what are you doing?
Only this place has a strong enough power outlet for my hotplate.
Please don't tell on me.
If I get caught cooking beans and eggs on school grounds, I'll lose my job.
This is all I have.
- Die, motherfucker! - No, wait!
This day just took a turn.
But I guess this is exactly what I thought
a boring principal's brain would look like.
Ugh. Even basic thinks this is basic.
How do we get out of here?
Good thing I read the Psyche Ray manual,
so I know what to do.
Yeah, I read it, too.
But explain the rules to me as if I was someone who binge-watches
premium streaming TV.
Yay, you. All we have to do is find Cooke's inner child
and he will lead us out.
Seems simple enough.
JESSE: Oh, geez. Turns out Principal Cooke is hella deep.
Son, I wish your mom had miscarried you
when she got kicked in the stomach by that Budweiser Clydesdale.
Wow, I just thought Principal Cooke was a big bag of sad
'cause he had to work with kids.
But he clearly had daddy issues.
Surprised he's not working a pole.
I don't know, his dad seems rad. Is that the inner child?
I don't think so. Check out that fudgesicle.
Cooke went crazy when it spilled before.
This must be Cooke's temper monster. It's fuelled by all his anger.
If he catches us, we'll never get out!
Hey, Dr. W.
Has anyone ever told you you look like that girl from the movies?
- Amy Adams? - No.
- Rachel McAdams. - No.
- Elizabeth Banks. - Nah.
- Emma Stone. - No.
- It's Kathy Bates. - What?
Forget it. I've decided to break you out, to save you.
But I love it. I got my switch,
and they let me paint accent ceiling any color.
Wow. That's fucking classy.
But look, Terry, you're too special for this place.
Trust me. They are going to do terrible stuff to you if you stay here.
Butt stuff.
- But I don't have a butt. - That's even worse.
Come on.
MAN: The tunnel is closed due to a cinematic crash.
There seems to be some Daylight situation going on.
Damn it, the tunnel was our way out.
I don't understand what's happening now!
Okay, I've got places to be in, families to join.
This is big boy time. You and I are the alpha dogs.
The main men, the stinkiest poops. What's our plan to save the day?
Listen, little blue boy, go back with the other orphans
and let an 11-time Golden Raspberry Award winning actor
- take care of this. - Not good enough, demolition man.
- I need the deets. - I promise I will get all of you
out of here alive. It's not going to be easy.
Some of you will die.
If we can swim through the water
without getting eaten by the tunnel alligators,
than as God is my witness, I will save all of your lives.
Except most of you who will probably die.
That sounds super fucking lame.
First, tunnel alligators don't exist. Only rats that cook French food.
Everyone, come with me because I'm an alien.
I'm leader. And I know leader shit, like, um, heat signatures.
That's pretty cool. Who's impressed? I know that guy is.
We'll go with you.
Good luck, suckers.
Hope you're not expendable. Get it?
Told you this would be cooler than whatever Rocky IV is doing.
You sure this is safe?
Yeah, man, don't be such a...
Holy fuck! Alligators. I knew it. I'll save you.
You guys got this, right?
No, we don't have it. Come back!
I think we're lost. None of this was in the manual.
Wait, I know what this is.
It's Super Mario 64, right?
I don't know boomer shit like that.
If you want to get out, we've to jump into the paintings.
- You sure? - I've never been more sure of anything
in my entire life.
Stop trying to play the trumpet, you're going to be a principal.
That's why I named you Principal.
Oh, my God. Principal Cooke's name is Principal
Principal Cooke.
I told you to stop playing.
You'll never be as good as Trumpet, your brother, and he's dead.
Keep trying, you piece of shit! Keep trying.
You've killed everybody else.
You know what? You haven't killed me.
Mr. Stallone, who're you talking to?
I actually don't know who I was talking to.
It's from my best movie. 1996's Daylight.
Have you heard of it?
Uh, maybe you were yelling at the tunnel itself
because it's kind of the bad guy character in the movie.
Exactly, like how Paris is a character in London Has Fallen.
What are you doing back here?
I saved those guys and came back to save you
because I'm sure Stallone cocked it all up.
Ah. Fuck!
Hold on. I'll save you.
Hold on. I'm saving you.
It's literally impossible.
You're literally impossible.
Sly, no!
You guys saw that? I tried to save him. There was nothing I could do.
- I'm the leader now. Let's go. - Look!
That asshole ran off and left me to die.
Not true. Nope, I went to get help.
We have to get out now.
- We don't have time! - We do have time
for me to make a dramatic speech.
When we first met, we were a bunch of beautiful strangers
thrown together in an impossible situation.
But now, we are tunnel brothers and sisters.
Some of us may have sex with...
That's what I'm talking about!
- Where are we, Kathy Bates? - No idea.
Let's get back on the road
and make contact with the Genius Initiative.
They're a secret group that protects specials like you.
I've thrown away everything I worked for, for you.
I'll be with you. I can't have my own children
'cause I was kicked in the stomach by Budweiser Clydesdale.
I'm going to be your mommy.
God, I've waited all my life to say that.
Whatevs. Let's eat. I got a hankering for a Salisbury steak.
Or maybe some sand dabs.
Definitely in need of a large glass of Scotch.
Wait, what Scotch, sand dabs?
No kid would ever eat that.
BevMo card, Kleenex,
tickets to Counting Crows concert, a fucking digital camera?
- You're not a special kid. - I never said I was a kid.
Holy shit! What have I done?
What about my Nintendo?
Switchie!
Principal Cooke has seen some darkness.
- Now I kind of like him. - Me, too.
All he ever wanted to do was play the trumpet,
but his dad was a big fat piece of shit.
Maybe we were meant to be here.
Maybe today is about seeing people through their eyes
and not how we perceive them.
Maybe if we help Principal Cooke, we'll get out alive
and with a better understanding of how a life not lived can crush a man's soul.
That is way too bleak for me. This isn't BoJack Horseman.
We're running out of time.
This is it. Cooke's playroom when he was a kid!
Look, "PPC," Principal Principal Cooke.
Here's the inner child.
What the teats?
It's an American boy doll they released in the '70s.
DOLL: I'll find a wife to cook and clean
while I'm screwing my Brazilian secretary.
PRINCIPAL COOKE: Did I burn down
the girls bathroom making beef stew on my hotplate? Yes, yes, I did.
The question we should really be asking is was the beef stew good?
No. No, it was not.
You were told not to cook at school anymore.
I don't care if beef stew is my third favorite stew.
I have no choice but to fire...
This is Cooke's room. These are Cooke's toys, right?
If the Temper Monster can control them,
then maybe he is actually the inner child.
Yes, Cooke must have so much residual anger and regret
that his child turned into the monster.
Of course, the answer is jazz.
God damn it, why is the answer always fucking jazz?
Okay, but...
Remember what you wanted to be?
It's not too late. You could still be like Trumpet, you know?
Quick, what do you know about jazz?
You watched all of Treme.
That's just because I love Steve Zahn.
But you just make a lot of noises and that counts as jazz.
This feels really disrespectful
and borders on cultural misappropriation.
In this one case, it's okay.
- It's working. - We're getting out of here.
Trumpet.
I miss my dead brother.
It should have been me that died,
in that vat of cookie dough at Mrs. Fields.
Cooke, what's wrong with you?
I'm sorry. The only way I could describe it is through jazz.
Get it?
We get it now.
Jazz made us totally get it.
Our work here is done.
STACY: What the fuck are you doing in our hallway?
To the bleachers, now!
Son of a bitch, it's still Wednesday, I guess.
Click.
Hey. Whoa.
Sorry, I roundhouse kicked you in the head.
I'd to do what a leader does.
It's moments like this, moments of crisis,
when you find out who you are and where you belong.
Wow, Sylvester Stallone, I never thought of it that way.
I learned that from Dolly Parton on the set of Rhinestone,
when the grip was choking on an egg roll, I froze up.
But Dolly didn't. She saved that fat man's life.
That was the moment I realized she was the star
and I was not going to get a look at those massive hooters.
Anyway, I'm out. You need a ride somewhere?
Yes, I do.
I need to go home to my family.
That's where I belong.
Holy shit. Is that the truck from Over the Top?
Yep. I keep everything from my films.
I got the plans for my escape from Escape Plan in the cab.
- You want to see 'em? - Fucking yes.
Hey, will you autograph my neck?
What a day.
- Wanna know what I learned? - No one asked.
Every story can't be through your eyes. You can't always be the star.
Sometimes, you've to be the funny talking foreigner
like Rob Schneider in every movie for a second.
What about Deuce Bigalow? He was the lead in that one.
And The Animal and The Hot Chick.
Schneider had lot of swings at the plate.
KORVO: He's got star quality.
I've been the lead in this family for too long.
It's time for someone else. Terry, this is very hard for me.
We can paint the ceiling whatever you want.
What's an accent ceiling?
Korvo, Yum and I kind of learned the same thing as you...
I love it when a theme comes together.
Pupa! What did I tell you about the paint?
- It's a total mess. - Have you been sitting
around here all day, getting dirty, you little shit?
Why are you such a lazy sack of shit, Pupa? Answer me!
Trumpet, I know, I haven't tooted you in ages.
All my life, I thought I was the one
that should have died in that Mrs. Fields,
but now I realized, no, you were supposed to die.
And I was supposed to live, so I could give the world this.
Shit!
Fuck!